Patty Thoughts (Name Pending)

Nature is so straightforward. What I love about it is the fact that I can just watch an entire system operate daily and know none of it was planned or affected by humans. The laws of the universe are set in stone. Most things around the universe just happen, they were going to happen no matter what. It fills me with awe. And yet, for most of my life I took my surroundings for granted. After all, they are mostly everyday occurrences. What makes them special?  Isn't it special that we are alive to see these simple everyday occurrences? Is it not a miracle we're here? I had never stopped to admire the plain sights I see day by day, so I never noticed the beauty of it all. The calmness of nature and chaos alike, I savor every moment I get to be still and observe. Every moment I don't have to worry about something. I just stop, look, listen, feel, smell. It was right there in front of me all along, the beauty of the ordinary. And it always grants me the ability to feel peace.

Ever since I was a kid I've always looked up to the stars. I look up in amazement, curiosity, and with a feeling of motivation. The scale of the universe has never ceased to fill me with awe. Doesn't it ever make me feel insignificant? On the contrary; the sea of stars inspires me. When I was little, my parents put adhesive, glow-in-the-dark star shapes all over my ceiling so when I wasn't outside looking up at them, I always could in my own bed. As I lie here in the same bed looking up at the same stars I looked at when I was 8 years old, I'm reminded of who I was as a kid. I was shy, but I was kind and I was curious above all else. I didn't know my place in the world, and quite frankly I'm still not completely sure, but I knew who I was at the time and I couldn't stop looking up. I think about that little boy and reflect on who I was at different stages of my life often. I often wonder if I met past versions of myself if we'd get along. Perhaps it'...

Tomorrow could be  the start of a new era. So long spent  imagining what    I could be doing    instead of wasting     all my time not grown up. Tomorrow that could all change. Doing something fulfilling,  learning new things,   making a difference. There's a romance to slaving away  when you have a future in sight,   when you have goals,    when things matter,     I feel like I can accomplish it all. The best part is...I'm not even anxious.     Shouldn't I be anxious?          I guess this is what peace feels like.

Isn't time supposed to heal all wounds? Logically it makes sense. Humans forget, we move on. But we forget that when we forget, we inevitably remembering at some point. This trigger can be even the tiniest thing but all of a sudden it put me right back in my feels. I know things will be okay, and I know it was for the best. But I just can't stop thinking what if? We were so good together, surely we could've found a way. Would we still be cuddling today if we had found a way? I try to yank myself out of such pointless daydreaming, but it's futile. I've always been a daydreamer, full of what-ifs that seem so so real. That's what makes it all the more difficult...I feel like I can see this alternate future so clearly and so full of joy. After all this time and progress I'm surely more equipped to deal with my feels better than ever. But is there a way to deal with them? I don't think so. Oh how cruel it is that the only solution is to just immerse yourself ...