Inevitability

I can fix this. That's what I always tell myself, that's what I thought at the end of the night. I had gone through such a whirlwind of emotions in a short period of time. The breakup happened just three hours before I had to go to work, and then I was left with eight and a half hours of time to myself. How dangerous is that? I can't handle myself alone on a normal day, let alone after a breakup, and not any breakup mind you, my first and only one.

Anyways, I've always been good at feeling emotions. I've never cared about letting myself feel things, so throughout the night I did just that. I let myself go through the full range. I kept it together for him in the moment, fell apart afterwards, felt confusion, felt frustration, and sadness all throughout the night. Finally, I felt something very unexpected...hope. Maybe there was a possibility I could do what I always seem to do. I can't remember many situations in the past where words haven't saved the day, where disagreements weren't resolved by the right combination of letters. I've never been manipulative; I've always spoken from the heart. But I can usually word things in a way that I deem understanding and persuasive. Maybe there was more to this breakup than he was letting on. If any part of him did this out of uncertainty and lack of confidence, all I'd have to do is reassure him I was in it for the long run, that no problem was too difficult, right?

I was sure I could mend things like I've always done in the past. So, I sat down on break and typed out what I would send, a genuine but carefully-crafted message. I was very detailed and made sure not to offend, but also to be passionate. Lack of risk was perhaps something I made a mistake on in this relationship, so I took a risk. I finished up and was satisfied. I thought I'd have a good shot. Then, after getting his approval to talk, I sent it. I waited. And waited. And waited. As always, I was filled with anxiety and dread. I watched the top corner of my phone for so long, waiting to see the icon that notified me I had a text. Eventually I saw it. My heart stopped. This was it. Either I'd succeed and we'd give things another try or I'd have to move on. And so, I read it. It wasn't what I wanted to hear. He elaborated on his reasoning and went into detail, also adding things. I understood more of what he was saying, but the message was clear: it was over. These were deep-rooted issues. I'm somebody who's used to seeing an issue and coming up with a solution. If I had an argument with a friend, I'd almost always be the one to patch things up afterwards. If someone came to me for advice or to vent, I'd offer my opinion and possible roads forward. This was a dead end. This was him telling me he didn't want to move forward while he didn't know himself fully. There was nothing to say or do that would change his mind.

"I believe there's no problem we can't solve as long as we communicate." I remember telling him that early on in our relationship. And I did believe it. So why wouldn't I have thought any different about this situation? How was it that my boyfriend came to me and said he wanted to end things and I came to the conclusion I could talk him out of it? Was this hubris? I don't think so. I think it was a lesson I hadn't yet learned. I think it was the result of someone who had not yet experienced breakup and thought they could treat it like any other issue in any other type of relationship. The thing is, there are simply some things that can't be fixed. As someone who deeply cares about people, it's excruciating to not be able to do anything to fix something. When it has to do with your own life, it's so easy to lose sight of reality. Because that's the thing, it's so easy to look at someone else and see the right path, but when it's your life your judgment is clouded. You're always going to look at it through your lens.

It would appear as though I had lost. I failed to patch things up and one might think that shook my confidence in my abilities. However, let's go back to that surprising feeling I had at the end of my night. After all that sorrow and confusion, what a strange thing to feel hope. My tired mind had wandered to patching things up, and then it went farther. What good is it to be dealt a loss if you aren't going to turn it into a win? I know, I know. It's so easy for me to say. Oh how easy it would be to fall back into that deep dark pit with no exit in sight. If this had happened to me a year and a half ago, I would have been devastated beyond comprehension. I don't know if I would've recovered. But I've come too far to be knocked down and not get back up. As much as I had confidence in my ability to patch things up, I knew there was always a chance it wouldn't work out. A natural at overthinking, I came up with a plan b for what path my life would take if things didn't go my way. I would use this as an opportunity to better myself, to take as many of my flaws as I could and throw myself at them. I even came up with certain specifics. It had been less than 24 hours since the breakup and I had started to plan ahead. I would later find out moving on wasn't as easy as I thought, but for now I was hopeful. There's always time to become a better person, no matter how far gone you think you are. Do I have all the answers? Not at all, in fact sometimes it's frightening how few I actually have. But if there's anything I know about myself it's that I will figure it out as I go. It will be scary, and I will have to travel through uncharted territory, but I suppose all endeavors are only worthwhile if they end in lessons learned. Unfortunately, oftentimes that means the path is long and painful, but damn is it worth it when you can see a light at the end of the tunnel. And I believe more than anything everyone can get to that exit and reach a happy ending.