Last Times

There's a last time for everything. We just often don't know until it's too late. Oh how I've been over-analyzing all the last times with him. With how often we both talked about how exciting and open the future was for us, there was no indication there would be last times. At least not yet. I didn't know at the time when we watched our last movie together, when I pet his dogs for the last time, when we had dinner together for the last time, when we had our last hug and last farewell. As short-lived as our relationship was, it felt like it would have such a long lifespan.

Beyond this relationship that lasted a fraction of my life, unfortunately there are last times for everything. Someday it will be your last time seeing a friend. My childhood best friend and I used to interact every single day for hours most times, and eventually we went our separate ways. How strange it is to think that at one point in my life I thought she and I would be close til the end of our days; in fact, I'm sure we made comments like that, as inseparable as we were. Sometimes these relationships aren't meant to last. Although we don't talk and haven't regularly for almost a decade now, I look back fondly at everything we taught each other. It's on these types of past relationships I hope to eventually model my perspective of the one I'm currently mourning.

More depressingly, there will be a last time you see all of your loved ones. It's gloomy, but it's just a fact of life. I can look back at all of my loved ones and pets who have passed and wish I had done more with them or spent one more day talking to them. To take it a step further, there will be a last breath for you. We grow up knowing this, but until we get older, we never really think about it because it seems like that day will never come. Truth be told, we don't know what the future holds. Although death becomes more likely the older you get, you never know when a freak accident might happen. Every day you spend here and with your loved ones should never be taken for granted.

How different would it be if we knew? What if we could go back and tell our past selves tomorrow will be the last time you see someone? Would it be better or worse knowing? I ponder these questions often, and I can't say for sure either way. In reality, it's very easy to waste time thinking about the what ifs, time that could've been better spent doing what you'd regret not doing later. We don't know what the future holds, but what we do know is the past, and that's what's tricky. While it's impossible to know what comes next, the present is always here, and you have complete control over it.

All things considered, a breakup of a relationship lasting less than two months is insignificant next to many of my other lasts. It might not make it much easier in the moment, but it is comforting to look back and see all of the other lasts I overcame. Taking it a step farther, it should help us cherish what we do have in the moment. Any of these moments shared with others could be your last, and while it's a depressing thought, it should also remind us to enjoy it while we can. 

I always think back to my childhood best friend. Luckily, she and I didn't end on bad terms, we just drifted apart, and I know this can't always be the case. But even though it ended, I can sit there and be glad it happened. I can think about how it has influenced my life over the past decade, and how it will continue to do so. And when I look at it through that lens, all of those lasts become much less depressing and much more bittersweet. The last movie we watched together becomes one more I can check off my bucket list, and one I got to enjoy in the company of a loved one. The last dinner we ate together becomes the one where he got me to try something new. The last time we said farewell becomes a mark of a relationship that ended on good terms instead of total disaster. As much as I'd loved to have kept going, I can take solace in knowing I learned and grew from this experience, and I'll be able to enjoy every last I ever have just a little bit more because of it.