Moving Forward

Optimism has been hard, but not impossible. For so long I have been fated to depend on others for my everyday happiness, and now for the first time in years I have nobody to worry about except myself. As depressing as that sounds, I've somehow turned that into an opportunity. In fact, it's the only thing that has kept me going. 

Being in a relationship did wonders for me. Most insecurities I had beforehand, including fears that I would never find someone, have dissipated. Even though the relationship ended in failure, the lessons I learned from it were almost all positive. With that in mind, it's very easy to set aside my goals of finding a partner for a couple months in order to make real personal strides.

My main goal is to be comfortable with myself. I couldn't spend days at home by myself without being miserable; I had no passion for doing anything without being in the company of others. That's no way to live. Being in a relationship made it easy to put that off, but things probably would've gone wrong eventually regardless because of that. Now I have no excuses. It's time to face myself. With a hard and scary couple months ahead, I find myself surprisingly excited and at peace with the idea. I have ideas about how to approach it.

One thing that has been helpful is this blog. I used to love to write, but along with most of my other passions that hobby faded away. This allows me to figure things out by putting my thoughts into words in a way that's at least somewhat creative. Whether anyone actually is able to find any of this or not, I benefit regardless. The cherry on top would be if I could regain my passion for writing. 

Additionally, I am taking steps to force myself to focus inwards. I'm taking a break from many forms of social media, including Discord, a platform I use to communicate with people. I'm making sure not to completely cut myself off from my friends, but reduced contact does help me reduce my dependence on others. It also takes away the temptation to be glued to my phone, another issue that has worried me in the past.

Final steps I'm trying to take include exercising and searching for a career. I want to repurchase a membership at Planet Fitness in order to have something productive to do on my own. Many times in the past I've tried to lose weight, but I lost motivation very quickly. Now I feel like I have the right fuel. It will be a great way to get in shape and release frustration. I also have been meaning to find a meaningful career anyway, so now that I have plenty of time, I'll have no excuse not to. My job at Target is exhausting and unfulfilling, so the sooner I get to that the better. Finally, I wish to reconnect to friends I feel like I've been neglecting in the past, people I've still kept in contact with but haven't been around as much as I should have. All in all, I feel empowered to make the strides I know will make me a better person, and someone who will make a better partner in the future. 


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