Patty Thoughts (Name Pending)

As a kid, I grew up being told I was gifted. I was put in higher level classes all throughout my academic career. They all told me I was special, that I sat in an elevated seat along with all of my peers around the country. I ate up every word of it, mainly because it did all come so easy to me. I had no reason to suspect otherwise. Every test I spent almost no time studying for, and I would get back stellar results most times. Projects and papers could be drafted up at the last minute without much trouble, resulting in the same outcome. There were some rough patches here and there, but I excelled at being "gifted." What happens when you spend your whole first couple decades cruising along running into very few challenges learning nothing but book smarts? When things do go wrong, you run into a brick wall and don't know what to do. When things come easy for so long, it's hard to know what to do when you run into the slightest bit of difficulty. On top of that, you spe...

Dawn to dusk. 24 hours. One day goes by after another. I wake up in my bed and here I am again staring at nothing. After taking it day-by-day for so long, it's nearly impossible to change that habit. I think about the fact that I don't have much of a daily routine. I work most days, and lately I try to go to the gym every day. Aside from that, each day is different. Yet, it seems like they're not filled with much. I wake up and think about the things I'll do today. Oftentimes I don't have much time because I have to go to work. When that doesn't happen, I lie around a lot waiting, waiting to be able to do something. My heads might fill with ideas, and yet I lie in bed longer. In fact, I have lots of ideas. Oh the projects I could do...the videos or stories I could write...if I only had the energy and motivation.  When I think about the day, I only think about later. Occasionally I might think about tomorrow, or even rarer when there's an exciting event, I th...

Staring at the ceiling, melodies pouring into my eardrums, oh how brightly the synthetic stars shine. The tune so gentle, it makes me feel like I'm flying through the universe. I can almost see it in my head. The track is so crisp, I can hear every detail. The drums are pounding now, pounding in my ear. I think to myself, something is wrong. I think to myself, you overdid it this time. The music now fills me with dread, seeping its soundwaves into my emotions. Now I'm falling, I'm falling and there's nothing I can do to stop it. I tell myself I need to take control, but it does no good. I am not in control. I've lost sight of the stars, and now I don't know the way. My wandering mind went a thousand places in just a second. Some paths are better left untreaded, but I went anyway. I don't know who I am anymore, someone else is at the wheel.  The song. The song is softer now. It soothes my ears, and in turn my mind, and I shove it all back down. I may not be i...

I slept most of the day away. I fell asleep at 10:30pm last night, woke up at around noon, and then went back to sleep an hour later. It's never enough either. Today was the first day in a while I've just had nothing to do, and I couldn't deal with that. I had made decent progress, but the past couple days have been difficult. Today has been especially rough so far. There's so much static in my head; the weight of everything feels especially heavy. So what's my solution? Sleep. When I had really bad depression and before I was medicated, I slept as often as I could. At least I think. All the things they tell you about depression in school are about the warning signs of suicide. Of course, this is important, but you never know what you're in for until you're there. I didn't know I'd be essentially erasing a good chunk of my life. I quite literally have very little memory of a lot that happened within a span of at least two years. It's a big blur. ...