Wormholes

I slept most of the day away. I fell asleep at 10:30pm last night, woke up at around noon, and then went back to sleep an hour later. It's never enough either. Today was the first day in a while I've just had nothing to do, and I couldn't deal with that. I had made decent progress, but the past couple days have been difficult. Today has been especially rough so far. There's so much static in my head; the weight of everything feels especially heavy. So what's my solution? Sleep.

When I had really bad depression and before I was medicated, I slept as often as I could. At least I think. All the things they tell you about depression in school are about the warning signs of suicide. Of course, this is important, but you never know what you're in for until you're there. I didn't know I'd be essentially erasing a good chunk of my life. I quite literally have very little memory of a lot that happened within a span of at least two years. It's a big blur. In fact, looking back I'm sure that's almost intentional. I slept a lot. I slept in an attempt to skip through the worst feelings. You know how in a lot of video games, especially RPGs, you can sleep to heal and skip through the night? I take this philosophy and slap it into the real world. When I was depressed I simply didn't have to deal with a lot because being awake is when you have to deal with the pain...sleep is an escape.

Thankfully my medication has helped a lot. Yet...I still find myself practicing this sometimes. I keep telling myself that things will be better, and that's the only hook keeping me from completely falling off the mountain and falling face first into the abyss. I do believe it. I just wish I could cut the journey out and just get to the resolution. But here I am, time my immortal enemy, just waiting and waiting. If only I could go through the sleep wormhole further into the future...far enough to where everything is okay...far enough to where I don't feel lost and alone. I'll get there someday, but that doesn't help me not feel the pain today. 

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