Tomorrow

Dawn to dusk. 24 hours. One day goes by after another. I wake up in my bed and here I am again staring at nothing. After taking it day-by-day for so long, it's nearly impossible to change that habit. I think about the fact that I don't have much of a daily routine. I work most days, and lately I try to go to the gym every day. Aside from that, each day is different. Yet, it seems like they're not filled with much.

I wake up and think about the things I'll do today. Oftentimes I don't have much time because I have to go to work. When that doesn't happen, I lie around a lot waiting, waiting to be able to do something. My heads might fill with ideas, and yet I lie in bed longer. In fact, I have lots of ideas. Oh the projects I could do...the videos or stories I could write...if I only had the energy and motivation. 

When I think about the day, I only think about later. Occasionally I might think about tomorrow, or even rarer when there's an exciting event, I think about later this week. But by the time I get back to my bed here at the end of the day, I've usually reached the end of my plans. I guess when you're depressed that's all you can do. You don't have the ability to think about your future because you can't see one. Reaching the end of the day is all you can plan for. Even though medication has improved most aspects of my life, this is one terrible habit that survived after wedging itself into my state of being.

I often think about everyone else on this planet. Look at all the people working to cure diseases, building up all kinds of money, going to space and staring at the heart of the universe. Look at all the people doing all these crazy, wonderful things. And yet, here I am watching my ceiling fan spin around in circles. I think back to my day and how I didn't do any of that. I think, I just made it here. How do any of these people find the drive to be their best selves? Perhaps they think beyond today; perhaps they spend the day thinking about tomorrow...later this week..months, years from now.... Oh, all the things I could do if I just thought about tomorrow. Maybe one of these days I'll be able to see the future, but not today. Today I made it into bed to watch the blades of the fan.

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