The Bottom of the Mountain

Cycles. Never-ending. How is it possible to regress so far? I don't even feel like I know who I am anymore. I was so sure not a couple weeks ago, I was making strides. Now I feel as if I've walked off that cliff. Usually I fall to the bottom and climb back up, but this time feels different. I've lost sight of the peak. Furthermore, why should I climb back towards it if I just end up down here every time anyway? It's never-ending. It's exhausting. I'm tired. 

This illness feels like it has been eating away at my brain for so long. It hurts. I feel like any concept of self has been stripped away from me. I've been drifting from one day to the next, moment to moment. 

It's been over a year now. I'm not any closer to where I wanted to be after school than I was then, or at least it feels that way. I feel behind, I feel like a failure. It's so simple, I don't have to do much. But I fail. I don't even begin. I'm petrified. It's so much easier to drift and rot away. 

Some nights I think about the worst. It wouldn't be hard. It would be done quickly. It's a far-away threat but a temptation nonetheless. But no, I bring myself back to reality. The consequences are far too dire. I feel shame for even letting the thoughts enter my mind. 

How does it even feel to be normal? It's been so long. When's the last time I lived my daily life without the plague in my head? Was it the love that grabbed me and dragged me down? Or was it before? I was going through a crisis when I struggled with my identity, but after that I gained confidence. Senior year of high school I think I was largely happy. Things weren't complicated. I was surrounded by friends. I felt like I had a place. I was happy. That was five, maybe six years ago.

What am I to do? Throw it all away? There has to be something I can do. Some sort of method to rebuild myself piece by piece. But how do you make progress when your mind is fighting you every step of the way? I've tried so many solutions, all roads lead back here to the same place. How much failure can a person take? I lie here thinking about one tiny glimmer of hope...something that causes me more discomfort than anything...pain. This pain I'm feeling means I'm feeling. Melancholy is a feeling. Anger is a feeling. Jealousy is a feeling. Love...is a feeling. The day I lose completely is the day I feel nothing. I just hope I can find some answers before the pain goes away. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Rocket Ship

Staring at the ceiling, melodies pouring into my eardrums, oh how brightly the synthetic stars shine. The tune so gentle, it makes me feel like I'm flying through the universe. I can almost see it in my head. The track is so crisp, I can hear every detail. The drums are pounding now, pounding in my ear. I think to myself, something is wrong. I think to myself, you overdid it this time. The music now fills me with dread, seeping its soundwaves into my emotions. Now I'm falling, I'm falling and there's nothing I can do to stop it. I tell myself I need to take control, but it does no good. I am not in control. I've lost sight of the stars, and now I don't know the way. My wandering mind went a thousand places in just a second. Some paths are better left untreaded, but I went anyway. I don't know who I am anymore, someone else is at the wheel.  The song. The song is softer now. It soothes my ears, and in turn my mind, and I shove it all back down. I may not be i...
Read more

Inevitability

I can fix this. That's what I always tell myself, that's what I thought at the end of the night. I had gone through such a whirlwind of emotions in a short period of time. The breakup happened just three hours before I had to go to work, and then I was left with eight and a half hours of time to myself. How dangerous is that? I can't handle myself alone on a normal day, let alone after a breakup, and not any breakup mind you, my first and only one. Anyways, I've always been good at feeling emotions. I've never cared about letting myself feel things, so throughout the night I did just that. I let myself go through the full range. I kept it together for him in the moment, fell apart afterwards, felt confusion, felt frustration, and sadness all throughout the night. Finally, I felt something very unexpected...hope. Maybe there was a possibility I could do what I always seem to do. I can't remember many situations in the past where words haven't saved the day,...
Read more