The Climb

The peak of the mountain looks so high up. But I've decided I'm not going to stay down here anymore. I can't. There's a long, dangerous journey ahead. When you're so far down it feels impossible to climb the mountain, but what I know for certain is if I don't start I'll never reach the top.

Last week, my friends and I stayed in Texas. We were visiting other mutual friends. It wasn't necessarily life-changing; it was a fun trip but it was pretty standard as far as vacations go. However, something must've clicked while I was there. I have a few theories.

First of all, I reached a breaking point with work. My work is very simple, it's just retail, but I have so much pride as an individual that it's hard for me not to take it seriously. I've worked 4am off and on for a while, and being the people pleaser I've always been I never said anything. I let it slowly deteriorate my brain. No sleep, naps everyday, nothing accomplished. I finally said no more and had my availability changed. That being said, I checked my new schedule on vacation and was infuriated to see two 4ams. I was so angry that I told myself I wouldn't just let this one go. Luckily, my supervisor was understanding when I explained the situation. But this caused my entire mindset around work to change. What I was doing wasn't important. I'm just a cog in a machine, easily replaced. This isn't depressing. It's liberating. I know this isn't my future and now I don't have to stress over it.

Another thing that changed was I faced some fears and tried something new. I had the opportunity to shoot at a gun range, and I very reluctantly did so. I was determined to try something new, and I pulled the trigger on this opportunity. Sorry...that was bad. Anyway, I felt exhilarated. Not because I shot guns. It was neat I guess, but I wouldn't do it for leisure. I felt like I was pushing myself to not sit by and let things happen around me. This was important to me. I feel empowered to do more. In fact, I'm going to get my nails painted. Yes, guns to nail painting is a bizarre connection. It's just, this is something I've felt like I wanted to do for several months and I never had the courage to do so. I think people are going to look at me funny. I still do, but now I don't care. I'm doing it for me, not anyone else. I feel empowered and supported by my immediate circle.

Finally, without going into details I know a specific part of me regressed to my old, harmful self. This happened on the trip. I didn't tell a soul. I don't know specifically why this happened. Drugs and alcohol aren't necessarily great for medication, but regardless I was slipping, and fast. Luckily the other two points were keeping me grounded. If I hadn't made progress in other areas of my life I surely could have completely slipped and fallen into that abyss I was in previously. Instead, shortly after getting home I confronted my previous self and vanquished him. That version of me will always be there within my body, in fact it manifested in the form of a nightmare, but I feel empowered enough to be a different person.

That brings me to last night. I had one of the strangest feelings I've ever had. I didn't feel like I knew who I was. It wasn't a melancholy moment per say, but it wasn't a very good feeling being lost. I made the connection that I was changing and probably because of the Texas trip, I just couldn't figure out how.

In reflecting today, I've figured out I'm more motivated than ever to be a better person. I want to live. Like actually live. I haven't lived actually in so long. I have goals now, many of them long-term. I want to work on finding a therapist for real this time. It would be easy to say I don't need one now that I'm feeling good, but I need something to keep me grounded. I have a history of feeling like I'm at a high point and then falling into the pit again. I can't allow that to happen; there will be lows along the way, yes. I'm going to blister my fingers and probably come close to falling off the mountain on the way up, but as long as I don't fall to the bottom I feel like I have a chance. As soon as I prepare myself for the climb, up I go. Here's to an eventful, challenging journey that I will learn and prosper from. 

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