Patty Thoughts (Name Pending)

I don't have anything poetic or thought-provoking to say tonight. I just wanted to talk about feelings. It's funny how quickly I thought I would move on from this. I figured, you know, give it a week and move on to bigger and better things. I know I will get there, that's what I have to keep telling myself. But how long will it take? I don't even know how I feel today. I've slept for a lot of it, and although I saw friends earlier I still just have this empty feeling. Vague sadness, but mostly nothing. How does one even feel nothing? I just feel largely indifferent on a lot of things. It's not how I've felt before today, so it isn't a pattern. But I'm all cried out. I can't cry today. That voice in the back of my head is telling me this is a normal part of the process and I just need more time, but how much time is enough? When do I start worrying? I suppose there's nothing I can do now except let time pass. Tomorrow I want to start my exerci...

The frigid of the winter eats away at my entire body, and the early darkness dims my soul. The outdoor activities that fill me with excitement during the summer become impossible, and so I sit inside with nothing to do. The "most wonderful time of the year" brings out the crazy in people, and shoppers drain all my energy. Snow and ice cause more trouble than fun, making everyday actions perilous.  Dear Winter, you are not the season for me, and you can't go away quick enough. Maybe you will be more bearable next year, but until then I yearn for Summer's warmth and energy.

There's a last time for everything. We just often don't know until it's too late. Oh how I've been over-analyzing all the last times with him. With how often we both talked about how exciting and open the future was for us, there was no indication there would be last times. At least not yet. I didn't know at the time when we watched our last movie together, when I pet his dogs for the last time, when we had dinner together for the last time, when we had our last hug and last farewell. As short-lived as our relationship was, it felt like it would have such a long lifespan. Beyond this relationship that lasted a fraction of my life, unfortunately there are last times for everything. Someday it will be your last time seeing a friend. My childhood best friend and I used to interact every single day for hours most times, and eventually we went our separate ways. How strange it is to think that at one point in my life I thought she and I would be close til the end of our ...

Optimism has been hard, but not impossible. For so long I have been fated to depend on others for my everyday happiness, and now for the first time in years I have nobody to worry about except myself. As depressing as that sounds, I've somehow turned that into an opportunity. In fact, it's the only thing that has kept me going.  Being in a relationship did wonders for me. Most insecurities I had beforehand, including fears that I would never find someone, have dissipated. Even though the relationship ended in failure, the lessons I learned from it were almost all positive. With that in mind, it's very easy to set aside my goals of finding a partner for a couple months in order to make real personal strides. My main goal is to be comfortable with myself. I couldn't spend days at home by myself without being miserable; I had no passion for doing anything without being in the company of others. That's no way to live. Being in a relationship made it easy to put that off...

Isn't it funny how everyday objects can act as a portal to a moment in time? And every item means something different to every person? A shopping bag full of candy might make your stomach growl, but last night I took one look at it and broke down into tears. You see, to me this wasn't just a Target bag with a box of M&Ms and a bag of Skittles in it. It was a forgotten reminder, and one glance was enough to make this determined man take a complete 180 and fill up with sadness. Rewind back to my third date with my boyfriend. Well, just before actually. I was going to make my first ever trip to his house, meet his parents, and watch a movie. I was thrilled, and anxious. I had a great idea; I was going to get both of our favorite candies at work to bring for when we watched the movie. I bought a bag of Skittles for him and a box of M&Ms for me, but unfortunately, I made the mistake of leaving them at work, where they sat until after our date. I kept bringing up those treats...

I can fix this. That's what I always tell myself, that's what I thought at the end of the night. I had gone through such a whirlwind of emotions in a short period of time. The breakup happened just three hours before I had to go to work, and then I was left with eight and a half hours of time to myself. How dangerous is that? I can't handle myself alone on a normal day, let alone after a breakup, and not any breakup mind you, my first and only one. Anyways, I've always been good at feeling emotions. I've never cared about letting myself feel things, so throughout the night I did just that. I let myself go through the full range. I kept it together for him in the moment, fell apart afterwards, felt confusion, felt frustration, and sadness all throughout the night. Finally, I felt something very unexpected...hope. Maybe there was a possibility I could do what I always seem to do. I can't remember many situations in the past where words haven't saved the day,...