Patty Thoughts (Name Pending)

The peak of the mountain looks so high up. But I've decided I'm not going to stay down here anymore. I can't. There's a long, dangerous journey ahead. When you're so far down it feels impossible to climb the mountain, but what I know for certain is if I don't start I'll never reach the top. Last week, my friends and I stayed in Texas. We were visiting other mutual friends. It wasn't necessarily life-changing; it was a fun trip but it was pretty standard as far as vacations go. However, something must've clicked while I was there. I have a few theories. First of all, I reached a breaking point with work. My work is very simple, it's just retail, but I have so much pride as an individual that it's hard for me not to take it seriously. I've worked 4am off and on for a while, and being the people pleaser I've always been I never said anything. I let it slowly deteriorate my brain. No sleep, naps everyday, nothing accomplished. I finally s...

Cycles. Never-ending. How is it possible to regress so far? I don't even feel like I know who I am anymore. I was so sure not a couple weeks ago, I was making strides. Now I feel as if I've walked off that cliff. Usually I fall to the bottom and climb back up, but this time feels different. I've lost sight of the peak. Furthermore, why should I climb back towards it if I just end up down here every time anyway? It's never-ending. It's exhausting. I'm tired.  This illness feels like it has been eating away at my brain for so long. It hurts. I feel like any concept of self has been stripped away from me. I've been drifting from one day to the next, moment to moment.  It's been over a year now. I'm not any closer to where I wanted to be after school than I was then, or at least it feels that way. I feel behind, I feel like a failure. It's so simple, I don't have to do much. But I fail. I don't even begin. I'm petrified. It's so much ...

As a kid, I grew up being told I was gifted. I was put in higher level classes all throughout my academic career. They all told me I was special, that I sat in an elevated seat along with all of my peers around the country. I ate up every word of it, mainly because it did all come so easy to me. I had no reason to suspect otherwise. Every test I spent almost no time studying for, and I would get back stellar results most times. Projects and papers could be drafted up at the last minute without much trouble, resulting in the same outcome. There were some rough patches here and there, but I excelled at being "gifted." What happens when you spend your whole first couple decades cruising along running into very few challenges learning nothing but book smarts? When things do go wrong, you run into a brick wall and don't know what to do. When things come easy for so long, it's hard to know what to do when you run into the slightest bit of difficulty. On top of that, you spe...

Dawn to dusk. 24 hours. One day goes by after another. I wake up in my bed and here I am again staring at nothing. After taking it day-by-day for so long, it's nearly impossible to change that habit. I think about the fact that I don't have much of a daily routine. I work most days, and lately I try to go to the gym every day. Aside from that, each day is different. Yet, it seems like they're not filled with much. I wake up and think about the things I'll do today. Oftentimes I don't have much time because I have to go to work. When that doesn't happen, I lie around a lot waiting, waiting to be able to do something. My heads might fill with ideas, and yet I lie in bed longer. In fact, I have lots of ideas. Oh the projects I could do...the videos or stories I could write...if I only had the energy and motivation.  When I think about the day, I only think about later. Occasionally I might think about tomorrow, or even rarer when there's an exciting event, I th...

Staring at the ceiling, melodies pouring into my eardrums, oh how brightly the synthetic stars shine. The tune so gentle, it makes me feel like I'm flying through the universe. I can almost see it in my head. The track is so crisp, I can hear every detail. The drums are pounding now, pounding in my ear. I think to myself, something is wrong. I think to myself, you overdid it this time. The music now fills me with dread, seeping its soundwaves into my emotions. Now I'm falling, I'm falling and there's nothing I can do to stop it. I tell myself I need to take control, but it does no good. I am not in control. I've lost sight of the stars, and now I don't know the way. My wandering mind went a thousand places in just a second. Some paths are better left untreaded, but I went anyway. I don't know who I am anymore, someone else is at the wheel.  The song. The song is softer now. It soothes my ears, and in turn my mind, and I shove it all back down. I may not be i...

I slept most of the day away. I fell asleep at 10:30pm last night, woke up at around noon, and then went back to sleep an hour later. It's never enough either. Today was the first day in a while I've just had nothing to do, and I couldn't deal with that. I had made decent progress, but the past couple days have been difficult. Today has been especially rough so far. There's so much static in my head; the weight of everything feels especially heavy. So what's my solution? Sleep. When I had really bad depression and before I was medicated, I slept as often as I could. At least I think. All the things they tell you about depression in school are about the warning signs of suicide. Of course, this is important, but you never know what you're in for until you're there. I didn't know I'd be essentially erasing a good chunk of my life. I quite literally have very little memory of a lot that happened within a span of at least two years. It's a big blur. ...

I don't have anything poetic or thought-provoking to say tonight. I just wanted to talk about feelings. It's funny how quickly I thought I would move on from this. I figured, you know, give it a week and move on to bigger and better things. I know I will get there, that's what I have to keep telling myself. But how long will it take? I don't even know how I feel today. I've slept for a lot of it, and although I saw friends earlier I still just have this empty feeling. Vague sadness, but mostly nothing. How does one even feel nothing? I just feel largely indifferent on a lot of things. It's not how I've felt before today, so it isn't a pattern. But I'm all cried out. I can't cry today. That voice in the back of my head is telling me this is a normal part of the process and I just need more time, but how much time is enough? When do I start worrying? I suppose there's nothing I can do now except let time pass. Tomorrow I want to start my exerci...